Given the chance to live in a totally positive world, would you take it? I think most of us would. However, when it comes to the reality of "good vibes only" culture, we need to ask ourselves - at what point does positivity turn toxic?
In all honesty, I have been trying to write this post since I started my weekly blogging at the beginning of March. I had this grand idea about identifying the line between good positivity and harmful positivity, but each time I tried to write it, I was at a loss for words. It was immensely frustrating because it is something I care a lot about, but each time I tried outlining the post, it led to questions I couldn’t answer myself.
I always try to be a realistically positive person. I look at the whole reality - the bigger picture - but I try to focus on the bright side most of the time. It’s something I learned to do in order to cope with anxiety.
Anyone who experiences anxiety knows that the first scenario to come to mind is always the worst case. If this is something unfamiliar to you, here is a common example: because my mom has not returned from the grocery store for an hour, she must have been in a car accident as opposed to maybe the lines are long, and she’s taking her time shopping. Needless to say, it can be exhausting to always jump to the worst case scenario.
It took a lot of self awareness and metacognition, but I’ve taught myself - with the help of a support system - to be more of an optimist (relatively speaking). Part of the process, too, was building a support system of people who reinforced positivity in my life. In other words, I needed to surround myself with positive people in my journey to becoming a more positive person.
That being said, I notice as our culture progresses to being more positive and accepting of all people, we are facing a new extreme of optimism.
Let’s talk about toxic positivity.
Thanks to social media connecting us with more people who hold similar values as ours, the network of friends we have can change pretty quickly. This leads us to quickly cut people off when their values don’t match our own.
“Positive vibes only” has become a more popular saying in recent years. The concept is that if the people around you are negative, it is not worth it to keep them around. While surrounding yourself with positivity can be beneficial, there is a line that is crossed from cultivating positivity into blissful ignorance.
The reason this post has been so difficult to write: I don’t even know where the line to be crossed is. The line is so blurred by personal choice, mental health needs, and so on that it is impossible for me to identify when positivity becomes toxic.
We need to understand that only finding space in our lives for positivity ultimately leaves no space for negativity, which is a problem. Negative feelings, events, and thoughts are simply just a part of life, even if we don’t enjoy them.
To only allow positive people in your life would inherently exclude people who are struggling with their own battles. This is where that blurred line comes into play again, though. While we should offer support to people who are experiencing and expressing various levels of negativity, there comes a point where it wears on the person offering support, too. To what extent is it your responsibility when someone else is struggling? At what point is it reasonable to value yourself over this person? The line is blurry and highly debated.
It is also worth recognizing is that if a person is positive all the time, it can be seen as a privilege. There are numerous factors that make it impossible for many people to be happy all the time - from mental health and physical health, to socioeconomic status and the cycle of capitalism. While we are all working to make a happy and enjoyable life for ourselves, there are many reasons why happiness cannot be achieved for people.
With all of this in mind, it would seem that wanting positive people in your life feels selfish - but why should it? This is what I meant when I said that I don’t even have the answers in this conversation. I’m not even sure they exist.
Ultimately, we need to understand that we are all human beings prone to making mistakes. We can all choose whether or not we wish to grow from our mistakes, but it first requires us to acknowledge the mistake we made. This, unfortunately, also complicate things. The time someone needs to grow varies from one person to the next.
We must consider time as a factor.
In some cases, it can take someone years to understand a mistake they made in the past. We all grow at different speeds. Growth is not linear.
Certainly, if someone needs the time to improve, we should allow a person to take the time they require in order to become a better person. It benefits our society later on if we allow people the chance to become better people.
However, this does not necessarily mean you need to stick around while that person takes their time for self improvement. In fact, you are also not required to accept their apologies when the time for growth does come. We need to have boundaries to protect ourselves based on our own standards and abilities, too.
When I tried to write this post originally, I was stuck on identifying where to draw the line to set various boundaries. While I don’t have an exact answer, I can say that after mulling over this for months, I came up with something. I realized that boundaries are different for every person and every situation. This applies to the number of chances we give people, the amount of time we allow ourselves to wait for changed behavior or apologies, and how to balance positivity and negativity in our lives.
Maybe someday I'll be able to come up with a guide to avoiding toxic positivity, but for now this is the best I can offer. It's food for thought and potential self improvement:
We need to recognize when our positivity is toxic. It can be harmful to our future selves or our loved ones, and it can also be difficult to set boundaries. However, with time, it can help us to all grow and improve ourselves.
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